Zoltan Kaszas on why cats are better than dogs – Dry Bar Comedy

Zoltan Kaszas on why cats are better than dogs – Dry Bar Comedy

I really am a boring person when I’m home. I just hang out at the house. I hang out with my cat I got a cat named Jessica (audience chuckles) Thank you. I’m a cat person, are there any other cat people out there? (some audience members cheer) Got some cat people here nice. I’m guessing the rest of you are dog people is that what it is yeah? (audience cheers) Yeah, I’m not anti dog , you know, every time I tell someone I’m a cat person What does that mean? You don’t like dogs? No, that’s not what that means it just means. I like other people’s dogs (laughter) I like dogs. I just like them over there and I’ll play with them, but then go back over there I don’t like that kind of energy in my house You know what I mean that annoying dog best friend in your face all the time energy, just like “YEEAAAAHH!” “I LOVE YOU HAHAHAHA!” “YOU’RE HOME WHERE’VE YOU BEEN??? NYAHAHAHAHAH!!” It creeps me out. I don’t care for that I don’t like that at all, just in your face like “YOU WANNA GO OUT?? THERE’S A TREE!” “I KNOW THIS TREE! YOU WANNA HANG OUT AT THIS TREE?? WHAT IF I JUST KEEP BREATHING INTO YOUR FACE? HAHAHAHAHA!” EEugh All the time? No thank you That’s why I like cats cats more like “Hey, what are you up to? Nevermind I just remembered. I don’t care” “I’ll be in the kitchen, I’ll see you later.” I Like that. I don’t need a best friend at the house. I just need like an apathetic roommate That sometimes wants to hang out Like a dog you can pet a dog’s belly all day. They’ll never get tired of it Just all day just like “Yeah, man. Never stop. You’re the best! HAHAHAHA!” Hopefully not that creepy, but you get the idea A cat you can pet for what two, maybe three seconds since it’s like “All right get away from me.” “I got my own things going on, I got a pile of clean laundry to lay on, get away from me.” That’s what my cat does it waits for the pile of clean laundry We haven’t folded yet, and just rubs on it while making eye contact. Just like “Mm-hmm.” “Everyone’s gonna know.” So bothersome My wife, she has a new hobby, she’s really into special needs animals. I don’t know if that’s made its way out here in Provo If you don’t know what special needs animals. They’re animals, they have special needs (audience laughs) That is all There’s this one, Oscar the blind cat, it was a cat That was born without any eyes, and they have a like page on Facebook and my wife goes on there every day and cries And that’s what she does for fun. That’s what she does for a good time, and it’s weird cuz I come home And she’s just on the computer (crying noises) And you know me being a guy I was thinking something I did And then she goes no, and then she turns the computer and it’s Oscar the blind cat “Look at Oscar.” And he’s adorable he has no eyes (whimper) and I’m like (mournful sigh) And she goes “I want a special-needs animal, I want one.” I’m like “You don’t ask for one you get bestowed one. Cuz I don’t know. What do you you can’t just go to the pound be like “Hey, hey, what do you have in the back?” like that’s not how that works “I need like a three-legged dog or a cat with something. What do you have?” You can’t do that You know we got Jessica at the pound, that’s where we got Jessica, and we didn’t name her Jessica They named her at the pound and people always ask. Why don’t you change your name cuz that’s wrong. You don’t change someone’s name That’s rude like if you adopt a kid from another country. You can’t just be like “Yep can’t pronounce that your name’s Jeff now.” That’s rude. You learn that person’s name so I got a cat named Jessica Very much your thing Jessica’s overweight she weighs more than she should for a cat Which sucks cuz when people come over no one blames the cat in that scenario You know what I mean no one comes over and goes what happened here, sweetheart a little heavy on the carbs?
No They look at you, and they go what’d you do to her? And that’s not fair cuz I try we have the laser pointer. I got the stick with the feather I’m always running around my house “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s get the cardio going” She’s not that into it, my wife and I we bought diet formula kibble They make diet formula kibble, and they have rules just one cup per day cuz you’re on a diet Jessica We tried But then at 2:00 in the morning Jessica would come into our bedroom at night climb onto our bed and then stand on my head Twenty two and a half pounds of her you guys on my skull and she would come down into my ear and just go “MEEEEEEEERRRRRR, MEEEEEEEEERRR” and I’m like “Yeah, you’re right this diet is over. I had no idea that’s how you felt about it. I apologize.” “I’m getting up right now and cooking you some bacon. Let’s get after it.” (audience claps) I don’t have any children But if I’m out in public and I see a parent of an overweight child I make eye Contact and I go “I get it. “Does the little fella standing on your head at night and scream in your ear?” “I get it give him what he wants, we need our sleep.” My wife and I we sleep on a memory foam mattress That’s what we say, but anyone else here rockin the memory foam mattress? It’s the best mattress in the world It’s most comfortable is it not? It’s the best, that mattress is made for sleeping and sleeping only Don’t do anything else on my mattress, it was not created for that That is not why scientists came together just make for resting comfortably and that is it I know cuz we tried and it sucks every time. It’s like trying to wrestle in quicksand It is the worst you just start sinking in slowly (audience laughing) “Stay calm, stay calm! Just try to get your leg out just breathe keep your eyes open!” “Keep your eyes on the horizon try to get your leg out, get your leg out! I’m gonna get some help, Jessica!” “We need some help!” But she can’t help, she just stands on our backs and pushes us in further Subscribe to drive our comedy for even more of the world’s largest collection of clean comedy

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  1. Cats are clean – NOT. Between the incredible amount of dander (crystallized spit) my cat blows off & the dust generated by the kitty litter, I was forced to buy a HEPA unit to reduce the obscene layer of dust throughout the house, severely affecting my respiratory system. Add to it, she pukes 5 times/week, urinates on the carpet & the couch and sleeps on top of my wife’s face. My dog blows it coat twice a year, has no dander, never pukes, saved my kid’s life and offers loyalty that no human can come close to. Besides children, cats are truly the filthiest animals you can own. Cleanest pet: tarantula.

  2. Tree? I know that tree! That tree is AWESOME! Let's get it! Rawwwww!- I am a dog person. Cats are dicks!

  3. My husband and l are owned by two lovely, neurotic cats, Bandit and Bella & while we both love all animals, l totally agree about the dog energy.

    I compare it to my grandkids ~ with hubby in his late 60s and me in my mid 50s, we absolutely adore all 11 of the cheeky little monkeys 🐒🐵🐒but when we've had our fill of 20 questions or trying to keep up with their video games etc we get to go home….. alone…. with two very quiet chill cats lol 🐱🤗🐱

  4. As a fellow Hungarian-American I am disappointed slightly that you are a cat person. Still I must admit that although I find cats gross they are much less work.

  5. Good thing talent is irrelevant in Hollywood. Dont worry, your fortune and fame still awaits you…all you have to do is give up that soul, open your mouth, and bend over. Took 5 seconds to write, and is funnier than anyrhing you said little girl.

  6. Jessica: standing on his back as they sink into the bed this is for the diet kibble you assholes. Die so I can eat you

  7. We had what the special catfood sack called a GCPO (Geriatric Cat Prone to Obesity). In other words, a neutered male who weighed about 25 pounds. So I get the special food, measure it out in the proper portions…cat just slept even more than usual–except at 3 in the morning when he went to great lengths to tell us how hungry he was. I told my vet what had happened and he just said, "Yeah…I know. That's what they do."

  8. On Belly petting: My cat wants it all the time. She demands to be petted and loved on and rolls on her back to get the belly rubs. <3

    I am totally a cat person. Love dogs, but agree with him on it! <3

  9. Love this dude! My husband and I are totally cat people. We’d love to see you come to the East Coast! MA or Rhode Island please!

  10. Cats do make great pets. They aren't as fun as dogs, unless they're kittens, but they can be very affectionate. Dogs are just a lot of work because they crave so much attention.

  11. I’m a cat person and people demonize me for it. They’re just cool, okay? And they are not furbabies, they are are PETS.

  12. ahahahahahha omg I am dying ahahahahahahah My 18 lb cat is sticking her claws in me to let me know she wants treats…..ouuuuuchhhhhhhhhhhh!! ahahhahahah

  13. This major cat lover got a real kick out of this and could so relate! Very funny, good job! Thanks for sharing~

  14. We had a special needs cat. He was born normal enough. Then he fell off the porch and never was quite right after that. Took him to the vet who asked "Does he eat? Does he use the box?" I said yeah. The vet said "Well, there you go." And that was that.

  15. bag o'processed empty carbs imitating the American bag o chips and cereal diet ? = overweight cat imitating owner

  16. That's me! Other people's dogs (and other people's babies)

    Having a cat is like having a teen, they want you when they want you and aren't needy about it. Dogs are like having a toddler. They pee and poop on the floor and put everything in their mouths

  17. I adopted a cat from the pound that they named Henry…and I did not change his name. He was my wonderful Henry😍. R I P my good boy.

  18. My cat is a dog I guess. He will just sit on my lap until I need to get up lol. Bombays are known for playing fetch. And talking. A lot.

  19. Believe me, changing the name of an adopted kid is a good idea. It depends on how foreign it sounds in the new country.

  20. Please people don't have dogs and leave them home alone for hours. They cry bark so much. And while you don't care, the dog and the neighbours suffer

  21. Cats totally rock. I’ve had many in my adult life. Grew up with dogs, but always had a soft spot for kitties. Couldn’t wait to get my first one. He lived to 2 weeks shy of his 18th b-day. He was my best bud…

  22. Cats are for people who want like a really good friend that hangs out at the house occasionally, so much so that you think they live there. Dogs are for people who require the love, attention span, and (for at least the first few years) the energy level of an obedient toddler.

    I am a cat person.

  23. Strategy on the food (for those with a flexible schedule): feed the monster twice a day, once at 11am and once RIGHT BEFORE BED. Make that night scoop the bigger one of the two.

    That stopped the 3 a.m. serenade. Cats sleep at all kinds of weird hours, so I'm not sure it makes much difference to them if you feed them late at night.

  24. He certainly gets the overweight cat thing. I've tried a few things, including a slow feeder with different levels they had to move the food down. Nepeta's solution? Knock it over and eat the spilled food. I'm not sure if she's smart or just an aashole, lol.

  25. I distrust cat people. Selfish, mean and cold blooded. My ex gf put our dog down and got a cat. Since then I became cautious with cat people.

  26. I don't like how cats smell. Dogs smell too but not like cats. Ammonia nastiness. Cats also don't listen, they're like bratty teenage girls lol

  27. That is so spot on.  My wife is a cat person and everyone we've ever had since we've been together is just like that "Hey, what are you up to?  Nevermind, I just remembered, I don't care."  And they walk off.

  28. You are so talented bec you don't rely on filthy words to be funny. You are just being you and remind us perfectly of the funny things in life. Thank you.

  29. Taught my cat how to use the my laptop. No joke, he would turn on the camera and take a pic or start a video in the worst and unexpected moments, expecially if he was annoyed.

  30. The way he did the dogs behavior was great. I feel the same way. So funny. I am a cat lover to because we'll like he says. You live with them not the other way around.
    They got a mind of there own.

  31. Still best standup show! Because nothing explains my relationship with dogs more this. I don't need a best friend energy

  32. We renamed our cat to Ra's al Ghul (Ra's for short). He's a black and white cat and the humane society decided Oreo was original enough, but we said nah.

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